November Newsletter - 2003

November 15, 2003

Dear Brothers and Sisters in Christ,

I do not know if you have ever had the experience of having a leak in your parish Church’s roof. If you have had that sad experience you know that to find the source of the water, that is to say the spot where the plaster is cracking and the water is dripping, is not the same as finding the leak. Sometimes the actual source of the leak is never found. In the vast Cathedral-like edifices that exist in the Archdiocese of Boston leaky roofs and the resulting damage to the structure may soon result in parish Churches being closed.

I have an analogy that I draw from the above situation; I call it the “Leaky Roof Syndrome.” Think for a moment about the last person that you really let “have it!” Take a second and picture it in your mind…Now let me ask a question. Was the person that you lost your patience, temper, poise with really the person that you were angry with? Is not that what phenomena like road rage are all about? We get in an argument with our husband, wife, children or mother before we leave the house. We are chewing on that conversation as we drive. We are late for a job we don’t even like. Our favorite sports team lost their game last night. Our dog is sick. We are hitting every red light in the city; we have to go to a party tonight after work and we cannot stand the person hosting it. We are committed to a ridiculously busy weekend doing things we do not want to do…then someone does not see us and cuts into our lane of traffic.

Should we be annoyed? Yes. Should we even be momentarily and proportionally angry? I suppose. Should we be homicidally angry? NO. Now you see the “Leaky Roof Syndrome” demonstrated. Again and again in our lives we lose our cool not so much at the particular situation in front of us, but at the cumulative effect of many other things that are bothering us. The water that is leaking is “here”, but the actual source of the leak is somewhere else.

Now I trust some are wondering what any of this stuff has to do with spirituality (it sounds like psycho babble). Yet, it truly has a lot to do with spirituality and our ability to relate better with ourselves, God and with others. I wish I had a nickel for every person in my spiritual travels who has shared with me some of the most awful experiences in their lives and then quickly and emphatically volunteer: “I’ve let it all go!” They have been raped, abused by their husbands, abandoned by their wives, thrown out of their convents, cheated out of their inheritances, lost children to violence, but they claim that they have no bitterness, anger, malice toward anyone. I think many thoughts when I hear such talk. But one thought that I often have is: “you may have let it go, but I would bet my bottom dollar that it is close by to be picked up at a second’s notice.” We cannot and do not “let it all go.” It sounds good, but experience teaches us something different. We act out of our pain in conscious and unconscious ways. As a result we hurt ourselves and others.

In theology there is a frequently used word: eschatology. It means “the already and the not yet.” Jesus has already won the victory, but there are still battles going on all around us and within us. We may on one level have “let it go”, but on another level we might be nursing an injury. For example, we may have forgiven someone for hurting us, but there is another part of us that is retaining negative feelings for that person. Just because we proclaim that we have “let it go” does not make it so. We need an infusion of honesty. First, we have to be honest with ourselves. Then we have to bring those uglier parts of ourselves to God. In Him we can “let it go”, but God’s grace is not magic. With His grace we do forgive, but we need to forgive not just once, but over and over again. How often does it happen that even after forgiving someone years ago that in a difficult moment we return to our previous anger at that person? We have to be honest with ourselves and with God. We need to bring the unforgiveness to God over and over again so that we can be free and Christlike in our relationship with the person.

We can also be honest with others too. If I am having a very bad day I might not want to pick up that ringing phone, get into that difficult conversation, or put myself in situations that may cause me to fly off the handle. As we get to know ourselves we may want to warn the people around us that today might not be the best time to approach us. Even interiorly we may want to warn ourselves that we “do not like this person or certain faults that they have” and to pray for the grace to keep our patience with them. By being honest we ourselves, before God we can avoid situations that will set the “Leaky Roof Syndrome” in motion.

A leak is just that, i.e. something that seeps out of us. When I was in Poland there was another pilgrim group from the United States staying in the same hotel. There was a man in the other group who appeared to be one of their leaders. He was always "at” somebody. He was often at them in sarcastic ways. Finally, I did something I almost never do. We were the only two people riding in the elevator one morning and I took the opportunity to say something to him. I said to him that I found him to be a very violent man with his tongue and I did not think anything that he said was in the least bit funny. His poison was seeping out of him whether he knew it or not. I thought of Jesus saying to the Pharisees, “it is not what goes into a man that defiles a man, but what comes out of him.” How true that saying is! What comes out reveals the interior. What is coming out of us?

I would want to just suggest a few thoughts to keep in front of us:

• Pray to the Holy Spirit to help you name some of the sources for your impatience, anger, unforgiveness or bitterness. Remember that what you are aware of on the surface may only be a symptom of a deeper issue. For example, you may be angry at your neighbor because he beeps his horn every time he leaves his house, but what is really going on is that you are angry with God because your daughter died at a young age.
  
  
• Bring painful situations and difficult people to prayer. Not just once, but over and over again. God will give us insight into our deeper hurts, longings and needs. Only when we are prepared to bring our true, naked selves before God can He help us to heal at our deepest levels.
  
  
• When you are angry with someone do not deny it or try to couch it in humor (sarcasm) or in spiritual platitudes. I often find that people do not admit that they are angry with me, but say things like “I will pray for you” through clenched teeth. Prayer then becomes something of a weapon launched at me rather than good wishes lifted toward God on my behalf. Or better yet some appoint themselves my spiritual director and tell me what I should be doing for them, not out of anger toward me (of course not!), but out of love and the desire to help me be a better minister to God’s people. Yeah, right! Even if what they are saying has value it is coming from such a poison well that it cannot be trusted for discernment.
  
  
• Realize that “issues” in a household, parish or any group of people are often not the real problem. The division in the parish over whether the candles should be on the altar or six inches off the altar may really be a battle over whether the sacristan, the pastor or the parish secretary is in charge of what goes into the sanctuary or even the parish.
  
  
• Realizing the above truth, do not waste your energy on patching the plaster, but spend it in finding and fixing the real source of the problem. Always ask the question: “Is this just water or the real source of the leak?” Then apply your energy appropriately. So many of my friends who are pastors use up all their energy on symptoms without ever understanding that they are not the real issues at all.

Being holy is not pretending I have “let it all go” and then acting out of anger, bitterness or woundedness. No, holiness presumes honesty and integrity. Better to admit that I need to pray for the grace to forgive that person than to foolishly act out of pride and do real damage to others and ultimately to myself through passive aggressiveness or sarcasm.

In summation, next time you see the evidence of water on your ceiling pray for the grace to find the true source of the leak. By paying attention to what is seeping out of us we can begin to sort out what is inside of us that with God’s grace and our cooperation can be healed.

God Bless you,

Rev. Richard F. Clancy